Behind the mask

Someone made a comment about me recently that I should perhaps have been offended by but actually it made me realise how far I've come. It was a great day and I was taking lots of photos and he said 'you think this is all about you, don't you?!'

When I think back to how I felt as a child, I'd say I've earned the right to be happy.

I made a call yesterday to someone who should have been the backbone of my childhood, should have been the one patting my back, batting in my corner, telling me it's alright. That person has been like a puff of smoke - every time I reach out it disperses, evaporates. Somehow they never made it to the phone. Evaporated again.

It's interesting as you get older and become aware, to watch how people operate. When you're young, you imagine it's all in your head - they encourage you to think you're paranoid and you half believe it. Older and wiser, it's like watching a tragedy where you know the ending. The characters are stuck in their roles and you can't help them.

When I had depression after Paul's birth, I was given the most useful advice and I think of it often. I moaned about not having anyone to rely on. They asked me about the things I had achieved. I told them. And I had achieved this without the help I was looking for? Yes. So I didn't need that help after all? Hmm, a very significent lighbulb moment.

If there is anyone in your life who is a broken crutch and you're still upright - what do you need them for? Many people get a kick out of letting others down, now I look at them and see them as having handed in their notice, no longer making themself necessary to me by their own choice.

I put the phone down. That was their choice. I choose to be there for my loved ones whether they appreciate now or not. I hope they will think it wasn't all about me.

Mask

I came across this old drawing while I was going through old art pads this weekend. I bought it in St.Lucia in 1985. Funny to think I had drawn a souvenir decades before the EDM challenge but hadn't remembered it!

I was doing some scanning of these old drawings for my new blog, Sketches by Fiz. There are a couple of things there that I haven't posted before but otherwise I don't think it will be of interest if you've been reading this blog for a while. It's just a blog I wanted to create for myself and if necessary to direct anyone who is interested there first.

There was mention, at the life class, of participating in an exhibition and I would love to as I would like to start selling work. The venue would be an ideal showcase. I don't want to jinx it by saying too much, it may not even happen, but I'm feeling quite good for being asked!

In other more trivial news (well, that's what this blog is for!) I saw the new Bond film last night and very good it was too! I have a teenager in the house who tells me more than I ever needed to know about Bond and Aston Martins and he enjoyed it too so it must be alright! (He went with friends in another cinema - can't be seen dead with his parents at that age!) I loved the opening credits. Finally a Bond without those floating woman, instead, it seemed to me, a celebration of his masculinity. I felt it was a great film for women too, really breaking the mould. The car however, was the real star. There wasn't much to see of it but when it first appeared there was an audible gasp in the cinema! It was absolutely gorgeous! Unless Charles Saatchi discovers me, I may have to sell my drawings for a couple of hundred years before I can afford one of those!

Life drawing

Unusual poses for this week. I arrived slightly late and by the time I had got this much done it was decided that it wasn't a good idea for the model to keep this pose for the entire session. I would have like to work a bit more on the shading especially around the arm on the right. (Or to be more precise, that armpit area! I quite liked how the muscles looked there and how elongated this pose made the arm appear.) The shading on his leg looks pretty bad, I should have left it out instead of hastily putting it in at the end.






















I'm OK with the shading here but I think I've made that outline too heavy. The last time this model was here I made him look like a cut out then too.

The best thing about the class is that one of the artists brought Anthony Ryder's book The Artist's Complete Guide to Figure Drawing. I find his work so inspiring and it made me realise I have to really work on 'seeing' as opposed to looking. I immediately ordered it on Amazon when I got home - I had been wondering what book to get for Christmas and as soon as I saw it I knew! Mind you, it feels like Christmas any time those Amazon packages arrive!

Antarctica

I found this on Google's 'blogs of note' - not only a blog from Antarctica but written by a sculptor! Now that is what I call a seriously cool arts blog!

Quick sketches

It doesn't look like I'll get much drawing done this week so I think I need to do some more quick sketches. Drawing cats has made me realise how comfortable I've become drawing portraits of people. With cats I feel like I have to go right back to basics - it's not enough to just draw what I see, understanding the structure underneath is essential. It wasn't until I started drawing them that I realised how much they vary and how little I really knew about them!

Life drawing

Can you get points docked on your artistic license like you can on a driving licence? I'm quite happy with these two drawings but I did two others that were absolute rubbish. One terrible outline drawing where I started on one side and found it didn't match the other (hey, I've only been drawing for four decades!) and another of her young attractive face which made her look like the Queen! It wasn't exactly flowing this week but it wasn't too bad either. After doing the outline here, I marked one of the shadows on her arm with a hard line, quite liked it and got carried away!




















I moved my chair just a little and got a slightly different perspective. I normally don't like the harsh shadows thrown by the standing lamp but this week I found it interesting to try and make something of the skin in the shadows - it was quite hard to distinquish anything more than a silhouette on the right side. I loved the lines of her left arm and leg and the angle of the foot in this pose.

The fairer sex

This is my favourite quilt. I loved putting those bright colours together but even more so I loved letting my imagination go with the free motion stitching and beading. It may not be a work of art but it certainly was fun!

I'm not quilting anymore. Just looking at my machine can give me a horrible pang. I should have realised that, when my first quilt teacher deliberately damaged a quilt I was making, it was an omen of things to come.

When I started quilting I found out something surprising - I have an eye for colour. (When I'm drawing with pencil I have to remind myself sometimes, I'm so unused to thinking of myself in that way!) The first couple of lessons were fine, I was struggling like everyone else with trying to make colours and patterns match but suddenly, after about lesson three, I realised that if I stopped trying and went with the colours I was drawn to, the colour scheme worked. Instead of the pale green insipid look I was aiming for something brighter emerged. I could see the look in my teachers eye but I told myself I was imagining it - but I still regret going for the colour she advised for the borders.

The teacher owned a fabric shop and so devised classes to ensure, once you were hooked, that you would keep buying supplies. I took her class to make a Christmas wallhanging. Only this wall hanging was so big (lots of fabric purchasing necessary) that it would probably reach floor to ceiling on the wall of an average house. I redesigned the pattern she designed herself and made it half size. When it was sewn together and we brought them in for basting (securing the top to the other two layers) she came over to help. I had used a gold fabric and she would have known (as gold fabrics have a plastic coating) that by using my basting gun (it punches a larger hole than a safety pin) she would be putting large, permanent holes in the fabric. She came over to 'help' me and went straight for the squares of gold fabric in the corners (aren't we supposed to baste from the centre out?) It was as if it was happening in slow motion and I was rooted to the spot. I said nothing but when I look at that quilt now, I don't see what it looks like, I only think of that moment and marvel at her pettiness.

Yesterday another quilter stabbed me in the back with her Fiskar scissors, so to speak. She is the latest in a fairly long line. I know from experience that if I pressed it there would be wide eyed denials. I don't know her name, I don't really care, but I bet I'd recognise that look in her eye.

Lets face it

I think I may have mentioned when I was doing the Self Portrait Challenge that I am a bit of a masochist. Looking at the pristine white pages of my lovely sketchbooks and thinking of how to use but not spoil them, I came up with the idea of another self portrait - go figure! I went into a bit of a tizz recently when I was asked for a photo of myself to accompany my drawings and after that I thought I should try and 'get over myself'. It's not like I was ever noted for my beauty! I've tried to be a bit more honest here and include that awful line I have on my forehead from worry and squinting in the sun!

Have you ever seen those TV programmes where guys, for whatever reason, dress up as females and express disappointment that they make ugly women? Well, women don't get to choose whether they are attractive or not, we have to live with what we've been given unless we have the nerve or the money for surgery. I came to something of an acceptance of my face in my thirties, but unlike other things one can come to terms with, age constantly changes us and the rug seems to get pulled from under my feet every day. I used to pull bits of my face and wonder if a facelift might improve things but now I think I might qualify for a free face lift on the National Health Service on grounds that it effects my emotional wellbeing!

I'm getting tired of that profile drawing, it makes me look so prim and proper. When I look at the profile photos of Flickr users, I think one could be forgiven for thinking half of them should be in the modelling industry - or are those half-lit, half hidden, best angle, years old photos really how they look? The other half seem to use smoke and mirrors. Trouble is, I'd like a picture to reflect who I am but therein lies the problem. I have a horror of being taken seriously and a horror of not being taken seriously. I have, in my natal chart, both the indications of 'the life and soul of the party' (Venus in Leo) and the 'party pooper' (opposite Saturn in Aquarius)! I can't make up my mind whether to I want my blog to be funny or serious. It feels like a boring compromise.

So with that in mind, I'm going to start another blog just for the drawings ( this one will carry on as normal- drawings, photos and the odd rant. It will be awhile before I publish the new one though). I figured if I can't bring the two sides of my personality together, they may as well happily co-exist! That, and also I feel I should be less afraid to say how important drawing is to me. Fear of being sneered at stops us all from doing things we really want to and being ourselves but I think as I get older I'm getting (slightly) braver.

On another note, I've just changed my blog to Beta and I'm trying to do things like adding tags. Art supplies got re-published this morning because I couldn't work out how else to add another tag! Thanks for the comments on it though! Coincidently, it's one that I've had a few questions about. I use greaseproof or tracing paper under my hand to prevent smudging, I use very sharp pencils and yes, I cut up my erasers to make sharp edges. The difference is now 2B rather than 2H is a favourite and I have accumulated a few more art supplies since I wrote that. I must have been in 'party pooper' mode that day!

Winsor & Newton sketchbooks

Jessica asked about the Winsor & Newton sketchbook I was raving about on EDM. I bought the little one a while back, thought it would be absolutely perfect if they would make something like it in square format and a few weeks later my dream came true! I couldn't find a picture on the Winsor & Newton site (someone ought to get their act together with that site - and the same goes for Daler Rowney, Faber Castell and Berol. I love their stuff but do they actually want anyone to buy it?) and only a small photo of the smallest size. (It comes in a larger 6x8 ins as well as this 8x8 ins squared version).














I've photographed it against my A3 pad to show the size more clearly. I'm not sure exactly how heavy the paper is but it's not thin, probably 120gsm or thereabouts. The pages fold out flat without the ridge you get with the Moleskines.

It has a little ribbon as you can see but also a pocket inside the back cover that a lot of books seem to have as standard now.

Kim

Kim is a Siamese, another of the family cats but I'm trying to draw from a very old photo and not enjoying this at all. It's in it's very early stages and I'm only showing it to have something to illustrate this post. I didn't pick up a pencil at all last week (and where did the week go?) but it may as well be a year, I feel so out of practice. Every drawing goes through this stage though, and I know there will be a point where it gets easier and I start to enjoy it. The funny thing is that if I don't find it difficult initially I don't get the same satisfaction from the process or the result. That's why I don't subscribe to the trend for deliberately making mistakes, leaving out details, doing lots of sketches, just having fun. For me there has to be some element of discomfort, some effort involved. Strange, since I'm not like that with most other things!

You might think I'd be fussy enough to notice before today the mistake I made in my profile. I mention that we moved to Geneva in May and it was, in fact, February. Someone once said to me that even though I'm a brunette, I'm a natural dizzy blonde. That was in 1981 but sadly still true today! Perhaps, like a Siamese, I'm a mixture of both?!

Annecy

The last of the photos from Annecy (at last, I hear you say!)






















These two are reflections in the canals. Annecy is also called the Venice of France.





















Apologies if this cardie is to your taste, but this is the sort of tat that puts me off clothes markets. I don't have the patience to sift through it on the off chance of finding a gem. This photo reminded me of a funny conversation my Mum and brother had when I was about 14. Mum told Steve she was sure she spotted me in the local market as she passed by on the bus. Steve replied dryly 'it couldn't have been her, she wouldn't be seen dead in a market.' Sad but unfortunately true back then!




















We left the market to have a stroll along the lake. We crossed Lover's Bridge - this is the view from it towards the lake





















and this is the view looking back. After our walk we went to Talloires for lunch. I think it's safe to say it tasted wonderful, fresh from the market!




















After lunch (or more accurately, between courses!) we walked around Talloires, said to be one of the prettiest villages in France. I didn't take many photos as the camara batteries were fading and so was the light. The morning was misty but the sun was trying to shine. By the afternoon the mist had thickened and there were a few drops of rain but it didn't last long. I wonder what the keys for this door look like? This photo was taken near Tuft's university campus. Just along a small county road, I thought I must have misheard, but there is was!




















There was an art exhibition on at the Abbaye de Talloires, a hotel and restaurant in a fabulous setting (better photos here).




















While the hotel and it's setting were beautiful and inspiring, the exhibition was not. The artist had many different styles, which personally I find strange, and it reminded me of a another (very vain) female artist who I met a couple of years ago. As we were walking around and seeing her face in various guises in almost every painting, I saw a woman, dressed to impress with dark glasses (in the low light!) holding court by a painting in the corner and obviously keeping an eye on us as well. I recognised her face from the paintings but funnily enough she bore an uncanny resemblance to the other artist! If I was a psychoanalyst I would say that by covering all styles, these artists are not expressing themselves but trying to please as many people as possible. Interesting that they both had the same 'air' about them.

Well, that's it, a super day! Now it seems that it was also the last day of autumn, the weather was noticeably cooler on Monday. Yesterday I went into town to look for some winter woolies and it was obvious that I wasn't the only person unprepared for the icy wind - it wasn't just cold it was freezing! Autumn may be gone, but Annecy was the perfect place to wave it off!

Windows at the market

Macaroons! I managed to resist these too!




















A display and chart to show which mushrooms are safe to pick and which to avoid. Some are very hard to tell apart, best left to the experts I think.














Halloween displays in the chocolatier.




















What a shame this one was closed. The chocolates in the main window were covered in a sheet but on this side was an interesting range of old chocolate moulds




















and tins.

Animals at Annecy

There were loads of animals as well as people at the market. This little dog was snug in a baby carrier!














It was impossible to photograph them in the crowds but there were tiny dogs and huge ones including a St Bernard. Two ladies were carrying squealing newborn kittens in their arms!




















Later in Talloires, this beautiful cat greeted us as we walked off lunch.

More from the market

This week is flying by and I still haven't posted all the market photos! As of this morning I have my Swiss driving licence so we should have more flexibilty coming and going across the border. We don't plan to get a car yet but we have signed up for a very handy car hire system - you pay a membership fee and simply pick up a car whenever you want at designated points around Geneva. Swipe the card and off you go. One of the pick up points (in an underground car park) is a few minutes walk away from our house. Very Swiss and efficient!




















Anyway, here are the olives, at last! I had to really elbow my way in, it was a popular stand! I used to hate olives but I hadn't tried them for years until we went to a restaurant in Cornwall that had plates of delicious Greek olives to nibble on on the tables. When we got back to Kuwait I looked for them and found that there was a wonderful selection from places like Syria, Lebanon and Jordan which I preferred. (They seem more 'meaty', less watery, than the Greek ones.)




















More sausages! I've been looking at the selection in the local supermarkets and they are not a patch on these, mostly Swiss with some Chorizo and Italian salamis. I'll have to check out the smaller charcuteries. My cousin bought a fabulous 'peasant' pate at the market. I think that is another thing I'll be hunting for in the coming weeks!